October 8, 2018
Recently my husband showed me a photo of myself from our first couple months together. I looked at it and thought about how thin I was and how perky and young my boobs were. I told him I missed that body and hated how I thought I was fat back then.
“You thought you were fat!!? What kind of POS loser was her that he made you feel like you were fat?”
It wasn’t until Mike had said this that I put some thought into how I felt about myself back then and why I felt that way. At the time that I met Mike I had been engaged to a man who was an alcoholic. I was often last in line after ridiculous work hours, alcohol, and passed out drunk sleep. His toxicity was covert, it came from a place of lacking. He never told me he thought I was beautiful, or that he loved a specific part of me, or talked about being proud of me. I guess not saying something positive could be just as damaging as saying something negative.
It wasn’t until I looked back at this time in my life from a place of positivity and self-love that I could see just how much damage had been done on my feelings of worth.
When I began this journey as a boudoir photographer I fully expected to hear from women who wanted to be pampered, to see their body differently, and wanted to gift their images. What I hadn’t expected was to hear from so many women who needed this experience to aid in healing their hearts after someone destroyed their feelings of self-worth.
A toxic relationship can rip you apart. These beautiful women are struggling to rebuild after some jerk told them they weren’t skinny/young/pretty/smart enough. Someone made them feel that they were not ENOUGH.
These clients have been some of my most loved sessions because this experience is amazing for helping to show them that the voice the has been implanted in their heads is WRONG.
One of my beautiful clients wrote me about how the voice in her head changed after her boudoir experience with me. Healing takes time and work after your spirit has taken a beating but you are so worth the rebuild! Take an emotional walk with her as she talks about how she found her worth and her voice again after her boudoir experience.
Before the Boudoir session I was quiet, I couldn’t express my feelings about anything because I was afraid of a fight with anyone, I just accepted that I no longer had my own opinions because they were always wrong.
I had zero self-esteem or self-confidence. After having someone tell you that he could do better and doesn’t know why he even bothers with you, after being cheated on and having it flaunted in your face with pictures and text messages, and after finding out he is on dating websites it’s hard to have any confidence in yourself about your feelings, opinions, looks, the way you dress, the makeup you wear. You question every single thing about yourself. I believed that I was fat, ugly, stupid, always starting the fights, and always wrong.
I felt so insecure. When we were around other women I would be pushed to the side, ignored, laughed at, and made fun of. A man should make other women jealous of his woman, not make his woman jealous of other women. I had zero trust, if I couldn’t trust the man I loved (or thought I loved) I couldn’t trust anyone, I assumed everyone was like him.
I was broken, most days I walked around with my head down, sad, hurt, frustrated, and lonely. Some days I couldn’t get out of bed because why bother… everyone sees the same things he saw.
During the Boudoir session I was scared. How can I be doing this? This is going to turn out awful. I won’t be able to show anyone these pictures, I will be laughed at.
I was nervous and shaking in the hair and makeup chair. I can’t let her see me, let alone photograph me, she will see the same things he saw. All my imperfections will be caught on camera.
I cried a bit for fear of the unknown. How is this going to play out? What if by chance he sees this and laughs at me even more? All the people I know are going to talk about me.
Then, I saw a couple images on the camera of me during the session and I loosened up. This isn’t all bad, maybe I will get a couple good shots
After the Boudoir session I was stronger. I felt that I just did something so empowering and I survived, even though I thought I wouldn’t. I was proud, if I just did this I could do anything.
I felt beautiful, as a little time went on after the shoot I started to realize that my imperfections and flaws are what made me who I am.
I was confident, I realized that I am beautiful on the inside and that is what matters. My sense of humor started to come back. My outgoing personality started to show again and people noticed. I used to be withdrawn and quiet, standing in the shadows hoping no one would notice me, and that all changed after the shoot. I was happier, no man is going to control how I feel about myself or how I see myself any more.
Healing takes a long time after being in an abusive relationship, I’m still healing but I do more for myself because now I know I’m worth it. I’m comfortable in my own skin again, still not fully happy with certain things, but everyone is a work in progress. Now I know that I’m worth the work.
I no longer tolerate toxic people and I have no problem cutting them out of my life if they bring a negative vibe. I used to hold onto anyone that I could, no matter how awful they were to me, but no more!!! I’m worth more than that.
I am happy with me again and love who I am, how I look, how I treat people, and I know I am a good person and not what I was made to believe for so long.
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